A Guide To Getting a JOB

It seems everyone is in need of one. But how do we actually go around getting a interview and securing that job? After being rejected twice this week, I decided it was time to reflect on my technique, find out where I was going wrong and get some sort of work in the bag. My finding’s where eye opening, and have thus decided to share my new found wisdom with you.

Presentation.

• Make yourself presentable, even when handing in that all important CV, or more-frustrating-than-life-itself application form. So many times I’ve rushed into a potential workplace, saturated in sweat in a frenzy. This is not a good look. Unless it’s ‘wet-look’, and you wish to come across as fashionable for some sort of clothing company. And even then I’d be wary.

CV & Application Form

• On handing in the CV, just smile. Don’t say something ridiculous, such as: “There you go, sorry if it’s a bit sh*t, not really sure how to write them things, but you get the general drift.” From experience, this does not bode well.
• Also, make sure it’s hidden (an envelope is fine). A CV is between you and the employer, not every single employee. After handing one to a lovely barista I received a text message not so long after, from the same polite young man, asking if I wanted to go out for a drink sometime. I never replied, although in time I wished I had in hope of securing a job.
• Try not to doodle on the application form. I’ve only done this once, and happened to get the job. But still, it just makes sense.

The Interview

• You’ve got the interview. Well done you. Now they’re going to realise how erratic you actually are. Do not, under any circumstances, when asked to talk about yourself, say how much you love cheese, list specific types, and then finish your speech with a dance. It makes you look ridiculous, and, from experience, will not get you a job.
• Watch out for walls. The one I walked into after a sales pitch to the area manager cost me a job this week.
• As did sounding like a creep. When asked to name an animal you are most like, try to delve into your traits, it’s what the employer looks for. I made the mistake of answering “a koala bear – they hug trees and I hug people because it feels really good.”

After Care

• Oh look, you got the job. Fabulous. I’ve made the mistake so many times of pulling a sicky and enjoying it too much. After taking a day off after T Vital one year (formidable hangover), I wandered in a month later. They told me to leave.
• Check the rota. Alot. Think about it, eat it, sleep it, dream it, do not forget about it. The rota now dictates your life. Forgot this one day – lost the job.
• Enjoy it. Or at least try to. And the pay slip at the end just seems to makes it all worth it. That, and the after-work pints (which you can now afford because, yes, you have a job).