Episode 9 – Don’t Even Chat Da Me!

The chaps meet up for episode 9. More of the same bullshit really. Next episode the guys will be picking their fav all time tracks, new and old!

Episode 9: Don’t Even Chat Da Me!

Getting older is a horrible experience. As I hurtle towards the big 3-0 I find myself spending more and more time thinking about how I got to where I am. It is that time in life when you start to realise you are an adult no matter how hard to fight it. After much soul searching I ended up with one unanswered question. When do you finally think ‘Fuck it’ and give in to Adulthood?
Most of us spent our twenties still doing the same old shit we did when we were teenagers. Out on the town, on the pull, trying to impress the wee dolls. Then every one of us gets to the immortal juncture in life that begins with the phrase ‘It’s very young in here’. Suddenly your favourite haunt seems to be letting an awful lot of kids in. Of course this is a conspiracy perpetrated by paedophile bouncers to get at some young ‘uns. Nope, you’re just getting older.

At this stage it is usually practice to try and find a younger woman to go out with as you try your best to make some steps towards the inevitability that is Adulthood but in the most half assed way possible. There is nothing better than, when pushing 30, telling your mates you’re seeing a 21 year old. That is until that fateful night you’re out with her and her hot friends, giving it the whole ‘I’m not old, honest’ dance and then the clock strikes eleven and you start to feel it. Tiredness hits you like a bus, limbs ache from flailing them around like an epileptic falling off a cliff and the idea of a nice cuppa before bed is more appetising to you than a ham sandwich to an Ethiopian. Is this the point when you stop and act your age? No, you keep on dancing hoping they don’t notice the beads of sweat now running into your bum cleavage. God forbid the missus has a dose of the horn when you get home because you’ll be out for the count while she’s away slipping into something a ‘little more comfortable’.

If only this were the end of the problem but, in fact, it is just the beginning. The man hangover is yet to start. We all remember the days of heavy drinking and being fresh faced and ready for action the next morning. Not anymore my friend. It’s two days of feeling like you have AIDS. The excitement of the young girlfriend slips when her incessant energy followed by attempts to get you out for more fun leaves you planning how to dispose of the murder weapon.

I’ll never forget my own personal epiphany when on a night out looking for love. After a couple of unsuccessful pulling sessions a friend decided to call in the A-Team. A group of friends who were legendary Lotharios and never failed to charm the birds. We went out and met these legends only to find they were the typical ‘legends in their own lunchtime’. One was about 34 and looked like his penchant for steroids surpassed that of Johnny Adair. With a surname like the legendary secret agent his ‘genius’ chat up line was ‘the name’s Bond, Unibond. I’ll fill yer crack’. Oh almighty Don Juan, no doubt they are dripping like a George Foreman grill when you utter that immortal line. Prick.

The last straw for me was when I witnessed their tactics for the hunt. Was it to approach a group of ladies in a charming and non-threatening way? Was it to split into pairs and pick them off two at a time? No, it was standing close enough to the girls toilets to smell the stale piss and each time a girl came out one of them would mutter a clichéd ‘Phwoar, look at that’. At this point I went home for a cuppa and a wank.

The short time I spent watching these idiots in action I had an out of body experience. I saw in them how pathetic older men look when out on the pull. A self help group for sex offenders wouldn’t have looked as seedy or shockingly offensive. It was time to grow older gracefully, time to look into mortgages, pensions and kidney dialysis before it’s too late.

I think we spend too much time fighting the inevitable instead of embracing it and moving on before you end up on some sort of register after a night out. Or at least try a cougar or two, they’ll always make you feel young again.

The Daily Show with John Stewart has just won its eighth consecutive Emmy Award, further backing More 4′s decision to continue airing this cutting satire on a daily basis.
The programme swings through formats such as The Mark Thomas Comedy Product, The Late Show with Conan O’Brien, Charlie Brookers Newswipe and Monty Python, with its off the wall short sketches and withering political satire.
Presenter Jon Stewart is on a left leaning crusade against America’s right wing media, and is extremely fond of berating the often laughable doublethinks, misinformation and jingoist mantra spouted by the likes of Fox News.
Last week’s episode dealing with Fox’s linking of money for the much-discussed Ground Zero Mosque (which is neither a mosque nor anywhere near ground zero) to a company called the Kingdom Foundation was a golden moment.
Stewart revealed how the Kingdom Foundation, which Fox’s presenters kept alluding to as some dark and mysterious muslim operated company, was actually owned by none other than Prince Al-Waleed bin Talal, who holds a $2.3 billion stake in News Corp, and is Rupert Murdoch’s partner in Fox News.
By logical extension, Stewart concluded, those who oppose construction of Cordoba House should stop watching Fox News since part of every dollar the network earns helps benefit the man who is likely to fund construction of the Islamic center. Zing!
The ubiquitous Go Compare adverts remind me why living in an essentials-satiated communist squalor is preferable to suffering the manifest indignities of Capitalism’s hard sell. I’m looking at a ridiculous man with an anti-gravity corkscrew moustache, miming to an opera singer bellowing “Go Compare!” repeatedly at me through the television. This is expected to endear me to the service he represents, apparently. He may as well be shouting: “I can’t think of anything else, so I’m just going to insult your intelligence and annoy you into buying this!” for all the endearing it achieves. Is it absolutely necessary for business owners to address us as if we’re utter morons?
Buying any car, We Buy Any Car, impossibly, go one step further. Their adverts consist of the constant, unbridled, unapologetic and almost epic repetition of their company’s title, which ingeniously doubles as a description of their service – buying any car. Its the equivalent of a small child pulling at your trouser leg squealing through tears for sweets, except it’s done by professional business men who instead squeal in desperation for your money. There’s a difference between enticement and begging, but this affront to the dignity of an enlightened society blurs the line. Marketing people give it the euphemistic title of “hard sell”, but never trust someone in marketing to call a spade a spade. In fact, that would be the opposite of the right thing to do.
We’re not morons, and we generally make decisions on the weighted pros and cons of any given choice. To convince someone of making a decision all it takes is a substantiated and well put reason or two. “Buy my stuff, buy my stuff, buy my stuff, buy my stuff, buy my stuff, buy my stuff, buy my stuff, buy my stuff, buy my stuff, buy my stuff, buy my stuff!” is not an well put or substantiated; it’s the retarded rantings of a desperate idiot.
Speaking of desperate idiots, controversy attracting Richard Dawkins speaks to more than a few in his film The God Delusion, broadcast last week. Unfortunately for him, it’s pretty difficult for a well-educated and posh voiced scientist not to appear elitist, especially when he’s wielding a non-populist agenda with such unfamiliar vigour. He gets a little red faced and visually irritated when debating with some of the more aggressively religious interviewees, but I for one find it refreshing to see. Dawkins makes these films and writes those books because, whether you agree or disagree with him, he appears genuinely worried and concerned about the continued and growing effect of religion on society. Is it bold, compelling and revolutionary or elitist, inflammatory and blasphemous? Well, that’s possibly a matter of debate, but seeing the enlightenment was over 200 years ago, I’m not at all surprised at his frustrations.
Anyway, more next week, Delivisioneers!

Episode 8: A Brief History Of Shit

The crew meet up again to record episode 8 of 10. A world record breaking attempt, Dan gets the runs and other chat about what’s been going on in the world.

Episode 8: A Brief History Of Shit

Cheer Yourself Up With Some Funny Pics

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Episode 7: Beardruff

Team Audio Picnic meet up fresh from leaving their massively successful radio show.

Episode7: Beardruff

As I child of the 80’s I am baffled by the current trend of reworking classic TV shows for a new generation. So many shows are being made into feature length, usually animated, movies which generally fail to capture the magic that captivated us as kids. This leads me to question whether or not kids TV of old have actually stood the test of time and can hold the attention of today’s youth. Kids so desensitised to sex and violence may not be as enthralled by the shows that kept me glued to the TV when I was a child. Although, after mulling it over, it seems that if we look a little deeper and explore the hidden depths of certain TV gems we may just find out that when it comes to 80’s kids TV there certainly was ‘more than meets the eye’. The Smurfs In a world of little blue creatures one stood above the rest. His ability to grow a bushy white beard gained him the title ‘Papa Smurf’ from a very young age. In later life, sick of the capitalist exploitation of the workforce Papa Smurf embraced Communism and decided to start an all male commune based on the core principals of cooperative living. As time passed the same sex commune became rife with homosexuality. In an attempt to curb this practise Papa Smurf approached a local genetic scientist by the name of Gargamel. The scientist perfected his gene splicing technique eventually creating the world’s first live sex doll to appease the high sexual appetite of the little blue creatures. Alas Smurfette was born into a life of sexual servitude. Inspector Gadget

The tragic story of a police officer injured in the line of duty and then rebuilt to be a crime fighting machine. Unfortunately what was to be the pride of the service turned out to be a disaster. An early prototype for the subsequent RoboCop programme, Gadget was let down by improper mental health screening. Authorities failed to notice his unsuitability as a candidate for such an experimental procedure. His obvious mental retardation, further exacerbated by a clear cut case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, created immense shortcomings in the project. Unfortunately these issues were only brought to light when his niece, Penny, was no longer able to cover up his shortfalls. A childhood lacking in schooling as well as frequent immersion in the criminal underworld led her to a life working the streets. The final straw came when her beloved pet dog, Brain, was assassinated in a drive by shooting which ended in her eventual nervous breakdown. After meticulous investigation no-one was ever brought to justice for the crime although it is widely believed that the hit was sanctioned by Dr. Claw, head of the M.A.D. Army Council. Gadget was eventually retired from the force and after years of searching for work finished up his days as an early version of the iPad. He-Man Prince Adam spent his days living a life of luxury as a member of the Royal Family of a distant planet. However he soon became bored and craved excitement. After years of misery he finally found his calling as a Gay Porn Star under the pseudonym ‘He-Man’. Soon even this wasn’t enough for the Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder afflicted Prince forcing him to take his persona to a whole new level. He took it upon himself to clean up the planet of Eternia by declaring war on a group of Homophobic Monsters. Unfortunately He-Man’s idea of justice was slightly skewed and in the end had little effect on the situation due to the fact that his solution to every problem was nothing more than waving around his ‘magic sword’, a trick learned in one of his previous films. Who amongst us will forget the final episode where He-Man and his nemesis Skeletor finally give in to the intense sexual tension between them culminating in the now infamous but beautiful nonetheless Skull Fucking scene. It was like the pottery scene in ‘Ghost’ but on the back of a big green cat. The Krankies The most sinister of all 80’s TV saw a career pedophile attempt to kick his kiddie habit by marrying a short woman and forcing her to spend her time in front of a camera in the basement dressed as a schoolboy. Legal pedophilia for the masses yet it all seemed so innocent at the time. So there you go a look back at the TV shows that kept us interested as kids. It seems that on reflection there was certainly a sinister element to each of them that I’m sure would keep the attention of any ASBO child.

YES PLEASE!

Fatty police :]

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