YES PLEASE!

Welcome to D’awww. This section will be filled with cute things to brighten up your day in the gayest and cutest way possible.

Times when you will require a little D’aww in your life:

• When your mummy says you absolutely can not EVER have snake-bites, nipple piercings and a Prince Albert. Don’t worry little one, a kitten licking a strawberry will make that all better.
• When your wife’s left, the dog won’t speak to you and your XBOX has the red ring of death – how about a mini pig in a teacup? Eh? I think yes!
• That time when you log on to Bebo and find your other half has ditched you AND left Bebo completely and conformed to the world of Facebook – F*CK THE ESTABLISHMENT.. HAVE A F*CKING CUPCAKE SHAPED LIKE A BABY BURGER.
• How about that awful moment when you get that letter through the door saying that your GOOD AIDS has taken a turn for the worse and it now BAD AIDS. Dayummmm gurrrrl you need a baby pug in a swing.

etc, etc, etc.

DISCLAIMER: BABIES ARE DICKS. THERE WILL BE NO BABIES HERE* EXCEPT BABY ANIMALS.

* Exceptions may apply. For example: the baby getting clean swiped off a trike by a flying cat. Now, THAT is cute and hilarious. Good kitty.

:]

I, like many of you out there, am an avid online gamer. A few days ago, as some mates (sorry Billy and Stu, I hope you don’t get in too much trouble) and I were chatting between games of Search and Destroy on Modern Warfare 2, the topic of Xbox widows raised its ugly head. It starts out like it normally does. The familiar whining drone accidently picked up by an oversensitive online headset wasn’t the sound of a UAV overhead but that of a disgruntled partner.

It’s an argument most men will either have heard directly or has been passed on like some sort of apocryphal tale entitled ‘How I ended up single…again’. It’s the never ending ‘I’m an Xbox Widow’ gurnfest.

Now I am here to right a wrong folks and tell you about the real ‘Circle of Life’. Women seem to be of the opinion that the Xbox is more important to men than they are. This is not the case. At the beginning of any relationship it is in fact the Xbox that gets the widowed treatment first. When a relationship is fresh and new then most men have little time to spend Fragging Russkies or Noobing Islamic extremists. In fact faced with a choice between sex and Xbox then, in reality, there is no choice to be made.

As time goes on though it seems that gaming does increase and the transition is made from widowed Xbox to Xbox widow. But then is it not also true that the frequency of sex decreases as time goes on? Anyone spot a correlation here?

If the situation becomes serious enough to end the relationship then the circle is complete, free to begin again when the next relationship comes along. Also a mental Baboon will come along and hold up your Xbox like Michael Jackson showing off a child with a blanket over his head.

Sorry, got lost in the metaphor there. What was I saying? Oh yeah…

Before I get thrown a beating I must also clarify something. In this instance I am referring to moaning about going online for an hour or two after a hard day at the office. I am not naïve enough to fail to see the difference between needless grief and understandable grievance. If your man is spending every free moment on the Xbox while the kids chew on a plug socket or set the dog on fire then I sympathise and would certainly condone some form of action.

So, Ladies, instead of giving off maybe you should do something about it. My advice would be to try one of the following options:

Option 1
Before he comes home from work get online and get stuck in. Pick up a controller, kick his ass in front of his buddies and swear at annoying kids like a navvy with a stubbed toe. Throw in a good scratch and a fart for effect. Hold up that mirror ladies and you never know your luck.

Option 2
Anytime your man goes near the Xbox just take your top off.

If this doesn’t work then you could always follow in the footsteps of this aggrieved, albeit crazy, Xbox Widow…

Xbox Widow Goes Nuts

…although I wouldn’t recommend it. Just remember how precious those GHD straighteners are.

Bayonetta – Smack My Witch Up.

(360 version reviewed) Review By Jordan Murphy

If you haven’t yet seen the bee-hive haired witch strutting around and pulling moves that puts Ulala and Lara Croft to shame then you’re probably still recovering from whatever happened to you on New Years. Bayonetta’s strong, sleek and oversexed character design aims to give us all a new feminine game hero to admire and play with.

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2009 was a strong year for the Xbox, with games such as Modern Warfare 2, Borderlands, Forza 3 and Left 4 Dead 2 the 360 saw its fair share of Triple A releases, that said 2010 is shaping up to be the 360′s strongest year yet.
January isn’t even over  and we already have Darksiders, Bayonetta, Army of Two and Dark Void to keep us busy with Mass Effect 2 hitting in a matter days just in time to absorb a little more of our time.

So what do we have to look forward to?

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